life. it is such a mind boggingly huge concept. we live it, we labor about it, we go on and on and on about it, but none of us really understand much about it at all.

i am not exactly sure that life is supposed to be understood. there is a school of thought (no one is quite sure where the school is, i think there is a a faction of some who have gone looking, but they never returned so perhaps they found it and are in fact, living life and the rest of us are all figments of each other's imaginations) which plainly states that if we ever figure out what life IS, in tangible terms, we will all spontaneously disappear. there is another faction which states that this already happened and those of us left are in fact, the result of a nasty time warp.

love sort of goes along with the whole life issue/question/dichotomy. other than money, i cannot think of one thing that most of us spend most of our time in pursuit of. they are both badges that we can publicly wear, sort of a "look at me, i am rich", or "look at me, i am happily, solidly in love with no fear of being abandoned".

well, here’s the thing though

its all about self awareness and self acceptance isn’t it? which is what makes it so horridly hard to get around.

because, when you really are comfortable with who and what you ARE. when you indubitably know WHO you are, WHAT you are, and if you are REALLY good, lucky and have tried for years and years WHY you are, well then, you really don’t need anyone else’s approval do you.

but thats the really hard bit. see society doesn’t want us to do any of that. society relies on us being waffly, wishywashy and mostly confused about ourselves. otherwise, there are quite literally thousands, millions of other people who will be out of a job.

if, in fact, we are happy with our bodies, then well, we just put clothes on because they keep us warm, or make us feel good. we don’t worry about how big our boobs look, or whether or not the roll of fat around our belly shows. if we don’t really devote a lot of angst toward the idea that our complexion may have spots on it, or is the wrong color, or even multi-colored, well then, we don’t wear make up. we just sort of jump out of bed and run a wet cloth over our faces to wash the sleep off and go on with life.

if our hair is something that we obsess about, that is kind of sad isn’t it? it doesn’t define us in any way or shape, other than in OTHER’S eyes. i have never really gotten the whole concept of having to be accepted by others. that is not to say that i don’t have bad hair days. i am sure i do in fact, have MANY bad hair days. I simply don’t look in the mirror enough to notice them at all. its not so much that i don’t CARE how i look, oh. wait. it IS that i really, deep down, inside myself, do NOT really care. i don’t. fuck the way i look. if i don’t like the way i look on one day or another then i simply avoid mirrors that day. if others don’t like the way i look, i expect that they can figure out a way to not look at me that day. or not. that becomes, then, by default, THEIR problem and not mine. you see?

and so, going on through life trying to find someone to accept/love you is an exercise in total futility. why must you be loved by anyone other than yourself.

oh wait. isn’t that a bit narcissistic? well, no. not in that sense. i am not IN love with myself. i do however LOVE myself. first. best. better than anyone else can. why? because there is no other single person in the entire universe who knows ME better than ME. all of my good bits, and all of the bad ones that i would rather NOT know about, but still have to find room to live with.

so then, if i can accept me, then i am good with whatever anyone else chooses to feel or not to feel.

which brings me to the point that somewhere back, i started to make.

love, increases. that is the essence, i believe, of love. love can not, by virtue of being love, decrease. so, being loved by anyone else besides myself, makes me more of ME. if someone other than myself loves bits about me that are inherently me, then it only makes me more ME. and then, there is more of me that is lovable.

okay. that didn’t make one whit of sense. well, what i mean is that, okay. there are bits about my husband that i don’t necessarily LIKE. but i love the whole person. and if he changed any of those bits in him that i don’t like, then he wouldn’t BE the man that i am in love with. so i have to accept ALL the parts of him, even the ones i don’t necessarily like, or it flies in the face of what love really is. and besides, what if the person that was left after he changed the bits is NOT someone i ended up loving? what then?

so, what i think i am leading towards, in a very convoluted way, which is, in fact, the only way i can arrive at most destinations, worthy or not, is that you cannot BE loved by anyone until you understand LOVE, at its most basic, nor can you GIVE YOUR LOVE to anyone until you in fact, are so totally comfortable with your own self, id, being, whatever, that you wouldn’t change anything about you even if you could. no that doesn’t mean that you have suddenly turned into an egotistical asshole like my brother. it means that you are COMFORTABLE with your essence of being.

so then, what is comfortable? to me, comfortable is a state of being in which i am not actively moving in any particular direction out of some misplaced need to self improve.

if i do, in fact, improve, then well and good. but if i set out to change something about me, i had damn well be sure that it is in fact, something that NEEDS to be changed. because lets face it, i will be 51 my next birthday, and if i am not too happy with myself, then i ought to just cash it all in shouldn’t i? if i haven’t gotten it by now, what are my chances? not good.

so, in looking for love, you must, by default of logic, look within. really. look at yourself. are you absolutely horrid? do you disgust yourself? what? i mean, others like you don’t they. why don’t you just be a whole lot easier on yourself. who said anyone needed to be perfect. how boring would that be after all.

get to know who you are. find out if you like yourself. are you funny. sometimes i crack myself up. i get things no one else gets. i like that about me. okay, its not something i can share well, “oh, yes, i’m laughing, but you are too incredibly stupid to get it so i cannot share it with you sorry.” no. doesn’t fly well at all. we do still have to live in society.

and, the thing is, once you really do like/love yourself, you quit looking for others to see how wonderfully YOU you are. but the really GOOD bit is that once you quit looking for others to see that, others SEE it, and suddenly, you will be surrounded by those who in fact, DO see it, and who do in fact, love you.

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