GAK !!

 I absolutely HATE days like this. It's Monday. With a vengence.

There is a lot of frustration in my life right now. I haven't been to Mass in like FOREVER. I don't know why. I think I am a bit tweaked at God right now.  That happens occasionally.  I get mad, HE doesn't, I sulk, HE doesn't; I turn my back on HIM; fortunately HE DOESN'T. Thank you God.

 the junkie kid is working. i think she is clean, not really sure and finally came to the realization that it doesn't really matter whether she is clean or not.  actually, she came home from an NA meeting the other night, and i am resonably sure she snorted heroin or oxycontin's.  she was somewhat different, its the way she holds her mouth when she talks.

she also got a big attitude about how dirty my house was. it's not really. i am not a pig although i will admit to being lazy of a sunday.  i am fifty, and have two little kids, run two businesses for my best friend for which i am GROSSLY underpaid. no really. like just over minimum wage. do not EVER work for your best friend. it tells you things about people you would really rather not know. trust me.

i have two dogs. one of them actually belongs to my son, who graduates from college friday next.  i call the dog "sir piss alot". cause he does.  now i do have brand new (when we bought this house two years ago) leather, imported leather furniture. and guess where the little *&^%% raises his leg. yepppers. my f'ing leather sofa. which i clean. ALOT.

i hate that dog.  i am a dog person. i hate that dog. with a passion.  he poops too. i changed their dog food to a super premium brand. it cuts down on the stench, and the mess.  its now nice and dry and doesn't smell.

i don't live in a sewer. don't get me wrong.  he is a small dog. small dogs, fortunately, leave small piles.  its just the principal of the thing.

anyway, back to the junkie. i was pissed all weekend.  she went to her boyfriends, about 45 minutes away.  after she got off work saturday. of course, DH took her. he didn't see any problem with it.

now, i do see a problem with it. lots of problems with it. and i finally had the wherewithal to explain to him why i have a problem with it.

he is a softy. big softy. think 5' 17" and about 330#. large comes to mind. walking mountain comes to mind. very big comes to mind. all are true.  for those of you confused by alternate realities, 5' 17" translates to six foot 5 inches tall. so the weight can be carried off successfully.

he is very intimidating to everyone in the world EXCEPT his daughters and his wife.  (the boy, sometimes, although he is a chip off the old block, he is currently just short of his 21st birthday, weighs about 240 and goes six foot 4 ish or so)  still, every boy is born with the certain knowledge that SOMEDAY he will MEET THE HAMMER. and that day has yet to happen, so he is a BIT apprehensive about THAT day.

the girls on the other hand, know that they have daddy quietly and firmly wrapped right around their thumbs.  the grandgirls as well.

me, i get to be the hard ass.  

so i told him.

look. she has (we are back on the junkie kid, did you forget?) NO CONSEQUENCES to her actions. EVER.  other than we took her kids away from her and you'd THINK that would be a BIG CONSEQUENCE, right?  WRONG. that doesn't seem to bother her alot.

no.  she still gets to LIVE with us.  so she still emotionally has her children. nevermind that they don't COME to her for anything, and don't seem to miss her when she goes missing.

they know. i told them.  yes, you CAN tell a 3 and a 6 year old about mom being a junkie and using heroin.  the words exist. i am a word person, and i found the right ones.  so they know without being afraid of the situation.  they understand that mommy is sick cause she mistakenly (ha ha but it WAS two little kids i told) took medicine that the DR did NOT give her and got addicted to it.

most mommy's do NOT fall asleep in the dishwasher. theirs did.

anyway, i digress. i do that alot don't i?

so other than the fact that we legally have custody of her kids,

she has a home and a roof over her head. food to eat. a bed to sleep in. hot water to wash with regularly. a/c to cool off with. a ride to work and na meetings and to see her boyfriend. cigarettes to smoke.

where is the consequence for her actions? no where.

so i told my DH (dear husband). look. she will NOT grow unless she suffers.  she MUST have the consequences of her actions.

yes, i am capable of putting her out on the street, but he won't let me. so.

no more rides to ANYWHERE BUT WORK. NONE. NADA.

na meetings as well. call your friends.

you don't have a car cause the FIVE cars we bought you, you either wrecked, lost through stupidity or sold.

you don't have a license cause you didn't pay your fines.

you don't have friends or family cause you stole from everyone who loved you and wasn't also a junkie.

you don't have any fun? neither do we. we are busy raising YOUR children.

don't like my brand new two year old house?  move.

don't like my rules? see above.

don't like me? think i am a hard assed mother (bitch)? i was never your friend. i am always your mother and it is not a popularity contest. you screwed up BAD. now grow the heck up.

DH thinks i harp about it. he's right. i do.

cause no one is listening to the voice of experience.  they all want to cut her a break. oh...look how hard she is trying.

vomit.

i grew up in the sixties y'all. i had friends who were junkies. they FUNCTIONED. she doesn't.  end of  story.

function or get out. its that simple. yes. really.

she says to me, well i don't even have custody of my children, why should i get up with them and take care of them?

cause if you don't, you NEVER will have custody back. thats why. cause to BE a mom, you have to BE a mom. is that difficult to get?  mom's put their children before everything in the world. God, not being of the world, isn't in there. so there. 

you don't put your children before ANYTHING. i do. its as simple as that.

but, she says, you don't put ME before anything.

well, there IS that isn't there.  you see, when you HAD children, you came SECOND to them. sorry, but that's the way it goes.

yes, it is possible to love something MORE than your own child. but you don't believe it until the first grandbaby is born.  and you DO love that baby more than it's parent at the second of birth. that's why

God gave babies grandparents. to cover their parents sad sorry butts when they screw up. to insure that strangers do not raise the grandbabies.

yes, we have put up with ALOT Of crap because of those grandbabies. believe me.

and, i would do every single step over and over again. maybe i would have taken over a bit quicker in retrospect.  but i did love my daughter. and wanted to help her.

now, i know, in my post menopausal wisdom.

i cannot help her.

she must help herself. but i can insure the safety, comfort and love surrounding her babies. and i do.

i am at work, so must go.

until the next glass of merlot and the odd 20 minutes when there is NO chaos surrounding me, the dishes are done, the house clean, the babies asleep, no one arguing, and i can GET ON MY OWN COMPUTER !!

fractally yours, dawn

p.s. a fractal reproduces randomly in nature according to no KNOWN laws of the universe. once you have met my children, you understand my name. fractalmom.