so, here i sit again. perplexed by life

this whole freakin life thingy has me done in. all done in.

i am not by nature or by education, a stupid person. at least i don't think i am, perhaps i am

i know that right now, i am in sensory overload. it has happened occassionally throughout my life. my response to sensory overload is to shut down

i.e. my last post, which was incomplete. there is more. much more than i was even able to process.

i think that for me, that is the really scarey part

there hasn't been alot in my life that i haven't been able to process. but now i feel rather like a commodore 64 in a pentium world

outclassed

there are things i know that i need to do

i just am not able to do them

1. my daughter the junkie

she needs to grow up. she hasn't. she is scared and not able to really be an adult. it's along story which i don't want to tell, but suffice it to say, she has never really had to live on her own, even when she was married. they started using oxycontins when their oldest child was six months old.

even though i do love her very much, i don't like her anymore. she has hurt our family over and over and over. the impact has been financially and emotionally devestating to our family.

now that she is pregnant and probably has at least stage 3 or stage 3 cancer, how am i going to kick her out of my house.

now there is mother of the year

conflict there.

hubby doesn't want to boot her ass to the curb. he wants to be supportive.

i don't

she is not great with her kids. she was too busy getting heroin to parent effectively.

so hubby and i are raising the two kids.

it isn't working with her here.

i am too tired and so, i take advantage of her being here to let her do some stuff with the kids. then i get frustrated at her lack of parenting and get angry. then i take the anger out on her.

which i shouldn't do.

she thinks i hate her

sort of i do. i hate what she has become. i don't like how she yells at the kids. more than half their issues are because of her. they have only known a junkie for a m om.

that is no way to grow up.

and having two people in the role of mother, me the primary mother and their mom, who gave birth to them, is confusing for them.

too many cooks spoil the pot or one of those aphroisms.

any way, it is confusing for the kids for her to be here.

i don't know how to get her out.

i suggested public housing. i suggested alot of things. emergency housing. but until i can get her out, she will be here. i will probably die from stress before she gets out. then she will be raising the kids.

maybe that is what God wants. i dont' know. but i don't see how having a mom that sucks her thumb, still has her blankie from when she was two years old and has the emotional stability of a two year old is going to be good for those kids.

or having a mom who yells at you and tells you that you are stupid is good.

so i withdraw. i don't want to be here when she is here. so i stay away more and more. then the kids get confused and they start acting out. then i get frustrated and lash out at my hubby. it makes it more awkward. is that how you spell awkward? it doesn't look right.

i have been praying about this alot.

hasn't helped at all. i don't know why it is not helping.

i have a theory about God and prayer.

as long as I am doing what God wants me to do, i have a great life. when i deviate from what i should be doing, things start to go wrong. over and over

and they are very wrong right now.

the cinchy thing is that you have to be able to figure out WHAT it is that God wants you to be doing.

sometimes He makes it easy, sometimes not.

this is definately one of the NOTS

so praying is not working out right now.  that is confusing me alot too. plus i am tired. usually when i pray at night, i fall asleep. i think God understands that though, i don't worry too much. but it does leave a lot of unresolved issues for me.

a vacation would probably help. one where you stay at home and clean.

cleaning is cathartic for me, especially when i am in angst as i am now.

if i cannot order my life successfully, at least i can clean my house.