Its really odd, parenting an ADHD kid when you are 51.  the oldest grand S, well, she is ADHD.  For the longest time, I thought ADHD equated to bad parenting.

We had three foster kids.  They were abused, fetal alcohol syndrome, mildly retarded and ADHD.  They couldn’t function without ADHD medication.  And when I say couldn’t function, I mean COULD NOT function.  I learned my lesson there.

ADHD is a disease of the brain.

What it means in reality and behavior is complex and complicated. Additionally, S is quite gifted and intelligent.

It is possible to raise a child with ADHD and no medication.

I did it with the mother of S.

Guess what. There are some problems in doing that I wasn’t aware of.

Turns out, that undiagnosed and untreated ADHD in children is mostly home treated with the following which DOES work.

A safe and very structured home environment with lots of one on one attention from the primary parent/caretaker, and lots of rules, rewards and structure.  Schedule. Schedule. Schedule.

It works really well. Hell, I thought I was the BOMB for raising my kids well. The oldest is in college going to nursing school and with a 4.0. she had her very rocky times as a youngster.  She was the defiant one. The rebel.

The next was the adhd one.  Very bright. Genius in fact. Very dedicated. Very good grades. Studied harder on her own than I could have ever made her do.  Minded well, didn’t rebel too much.

Then, she went away to college after graduating high school.

And failed miserably. Almost died in fact, cause her two primary food groups were beer and tequila, with the secondary food group being pot and the third being an overstuffed baked potato from wendy’s.

That doesn’t work well in college, or anywhere else for  that matter.

An exerpt from an ADHD brochure says in part, a VERY important part…

An undiagnosed child with adhd can be raised well in a very structured and schedule and safe environment and this works really well, until the child grows into an adult and moves out into the real world where that environment doesn’t exist.  Then they fail miserably and horribly.  And over 76% of them turn to hard drugs or alcohol or both to cope.

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Enter stage left, junkie daughter.

And adhd runs in families. If you have a parent who has it, you have a 50% chance of being ADHD.  Well, in S’s case Both her parents have it. And both parents were unmedicated, untreated in childhood, and both parents are junkies.

So, S is medicated.  Now, she is on the lowest dose of medication that they offer for a 7 year old kid. And it works really well.  She taught herself to read at age 4.  I really mean that.  She taught HERSELF to read. She did ask me “meemaw, if you put the c and the a and the t together, how do you know what word they make.”  So, I told her, you sound out the c, and you sound out the a, and you sound out the t..and you put them all together and they make  cccccaaaaaaaattt!

She took that, and started sounding out all the words in her books, which were many.  At age 4.

At age 7, she is reading 6th or 7th grade level books, and understanding them.  Harry potter, Narnia, etc.

You cannot bullshit a brilliant 7 yr old. Ever. Doesn’t work. Don’t try. They call bullshit every single time.

Problem is, they don’t sleep either.  That is the H part of ADHD.  Hyper. Yes, physically they are somewhat hyper.  But their BRAIN is a whole lot more hyper than their little bodies.  Trust me.  Her brain just does NOT shut down.

Here’s a secret, I think I am adhd too. I don’t take medication. Hell, I am 51 years old now.  But my brain is like that.

I thought it was normal to think simultaneously about 4 or 5 things at a time.   I don’t mean one after the other. I mean AT THE SAME TIME.  Think of a machine that has five gears, all turning at the same time.  Each one not even aware of the others in a sense. Each one doing their job.

That’s MY brain NOT on drugs.  I am used to it.  Makes it hard to go to sleep though, always has.

I use meditation and prayer to sleep. It works for me. I am 51.

I am teaching it to S. it doesn’t work yet on her.  It was 1 AM before her little brain let her go to sleep.  She was good, quiet, didn’t disrupt anything, didn’t scream or throw fits.  Was just AWAKE.

I am too old for that. Trust me.

She gets a sleeping pill tonight. First time ever. Dr prescribed them for her a couple of months ago. I didn’t want to give it to her. Tonight, I will cave.

Once I have her sleeping by nine for ONE night, I should be able to put her back on the schedule so the sleeping pill thingy is a one time issue.

But I don’t like it.

I don’t’ even like giving her the medicine for the adhd. But she cannot discipline her brain yet on her own to settle down and learn effectively.  So, she will be on the medication until she can train her brain.

She goes to a small catholic school. Not because I am catholic, but because of the structure, the small classes, (first grade had 15 kids) and the  ability of the staff to allow the kids to be themselves.

We tried her in the public school. It was a disaster and we live in the 3rd best school district (out of 20) in our county.  There were 22 kids in her class and the teacher was very good. It didn’t work at all. BAD. Even on her medication, she couldn’t settle down and learn well.  Handwriting was atrocious and sloppy. Papers were a disaster.

Back to catholic school she went. Improvement immediately.

She is a challenge.

Her sister shows NO signs of ADHD. Thank you God. I can only do one. Trust me.

S showed it at age 3 months.  A three month old baby sleeps A LOT. Not her. She napped for about 20 minutes in the morning, one hour in the afternoon and then at night, had to be held and sung to and rocked for over an hour to get her to slow down enough to sleep. This hasn’t really changed.

Now I know.

She can be really tired and yawning. Absolutely exhausted. But her brain will not shut down.

I feel bad for her.

She is only 7 in two days for God’s sake.

And that is a problem too. 

Imagine a 7 year old who you can talk to like she is 13 or 14. carry on intense conversations with about oh, physics, math, ethics, religion.

People start to treat her like a 13 year old.

And then she ACTS like a 7 year old.

And people get MAD

Really mad

People who should know better

They don’t take her on their lap and comfort her

They YELL at her

And I get FURIOUS

Then there is a fight on. Trust me.

Because yelling doesn’t help at all. It makes it much much worse. Much.

Everything has to be explained to S, in calm and quiet terms, and further, you have to allow her to explore the whole issue by questioning.  Its not a cut and dried thing. Like, I am the adult and you do what I say. Period.

Doesn’ t work.  Just doesn’t

Because you are dealing with the over developed brain of a 13 or 14 year old and the emotions of a 5-7 year old. And that is both hard and confusing for the poor kid who has all those things running around in her body and brain.

Enough. Challenges are just that. A challenge.

Parenting her is a challenge. A fun one, an exhilarating one. Full of love and smiles and I love you meemaw’s. but a challenge nonetheless.

I pray I will continue to be up for it.