Overslept this morning. Sheesh. Heard the announcer on the radio say that it was 7 a.m. I am supposed to LEAVE the house at 7:15 a.m.!!

GAK! I HATE it when that happens. Sleeping is not something I am good at lately. You’d think I would be very good at it, but you’d be wrong. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I TRY to sleep. Heck, I even fall asleep quickly. NO problems there.

Now, STAYING asleep. THERE’s the problem. And, Lunesta doesn’t work. Neither does Ambien. Neither does a good cabernet.

I have a theory. Let’s call it Fractalmom’s Sleep Theory for Women.

As a teenager, you are too busy to sleep well. Then you either go to college or get engaged, or if you are really a Type A personality, you do both. You are too worried about the impending marriage or college courses to sleep well.

You get married. Finally THAT is over. NOW you are too busy, well, you know, to sleep much.

NOW you are preggers. You are too worried about the baby being okay to sleep. Plus, you are too uncomfortable. You toss and turn all night long, fraught with bad dreams and a huge stomach that gets in the way of sleeping. Especially if you are (were) a stomach sleeper. I actually once considered cutting a hole in my mattress to fit my pregnant stomach in.

Once the baby is born, you are exhausted, but up every two hours to feed the little darling. And if you aren’t feeding the baby, changing the baby or cleaning up the baby, you are too worried about the baby dying from SIDS or a host of other things.

Now the baby is no longer a baby and you can sleep safely and trouble free all night, except the baby has a BROTHER now, so …

Finally, you are through having babies. But you still cannot sleep unhindered because the FIRST baby you had is …..(ominous music) a TEEN.

And, you are worried about driving, school grades, college, dating, sex too early, drugs, drinking.

Now, the oldest one is through school, and THEY are getting married. You cannot sleep because YOU are the mother of the Bride. Then SHE has a baby and you are totally worried that all the things that escaped YOUR children will happen to HER children.

By the time you are past all that - YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO SLEEP!
Well, there you have it. Frac’s sleep theory.

At 1 a.m., I had to pee. Heard voices, was curious. Looked over. No hubby in bed. Turned the baby monitor up so I could hear if they were talking about me. They weren’t. Opened the laptop to check mail. Had a cig.

At 3 a.m. the baby, whose head just barely comes up to the top mattress on my bed was standing there saying “Meemaw, I want a chocky milk”. Now that is weird. Imagine, if you will, being sound asleep. Suddenly, you hear a voice. You know the voice is talking to you, and you look. Remember that you totally cannot see without your glasses on, and they aren’t. ON that is. Look around, sleepy eyed for the source of the voice.

Then, realize that the baby is the voice. And, you have to look DOWN. There she is, cute little blonde curls hanging off her adorable little NOT ASLEEP head. Standing so close to the bed that her nose is touching the mattress. No wonder you can’t see her!

Walk her back to bed, get a new sippy cup of chocolate milk. I know she shouldn’t have chocolate milk in bed. Get Real. I give it to her anyway.

At 5 a.m. I have to pee again. So, apparently do both dogs. Walk them to the laundry room door, actually, I walk WITH them. Well, if I really tell the truth, they RUN and I stumble. Let them out. Stand there for five minutes, sleeping against the door jamb. Wait until they come and scratch on the door. Let them back in. Notice that the cats have no food in their bowls. Realize that if I do NOT feed them, they will be the NEXT wake up call, butting their little black heads against mine, meowing piteously.

Find the other bag of cat food, which is NOT (of course) where it belongs. Have to go find it in the kitchen. Notice that the stupid Elves did NOT come again last night, and the same pots and pans that I left on the stove needing washed and put away are STILL there. Cuss the Elves. Leave the pots and pans. My theory (faulty at best) is that if I PAY for the food, PREPARE the food, SERVE the food, then I should NOT have to CLEAN UP after the food. Bad theory. Doesn’t EVER work. Feed the cats. Back to bed. It is now 5:30 a.m. The alarm is set to go off in 30 minutes.

Do I stay up? NOPE. I do NOT. I will TAKE the 30 minutes.

Next thing I know, I hear the announcer say it is 7 am.

ARRRGGGHHHHH.

I jump up. The 7 yr old is sitting on the couch, fully dressed and ready for school. See, there really IS a GOD! Try to explain to the 7 yr old that she needs to WAKE MEEMAW UP in the morning if I do not get up. She doesn’t care. She is watching Jimmy Neutron.

Pouring a cup of coffee, let the dogs out, run to the, ya know, the morning routine, slightly speeded up.

I don’t make it out the door till 7:45. That is actually when I am supposed to be dropping her off at school. Sigh.

So starts another week in the fractal life of Meemaw, the custodial grandmother.

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