Today should have come next week sometime.

Well, probably not.  I didn’t get anything done yesterday.  ½ Pint was home sick.  Took her to the Dr, then had an appt with my doctor.  A new one.

I hate new doctors.  I had a positive TB test.  So when I got there, they made me put on a mask. Oh Joy!  Yep folks, Typhoid Mary is here….take pictures.

So there I sat, with mask on and cannot breathe through the stupid thing.  Had to take in the DVD of my CT Scan.

Get in with Dr.   Now the last Dr. I went to said, not cancer, no problem.  Told me if it was cancer, I would already be DEAD.

I guess when you have ‘nodules’ and a lot of them, 16 in the right lung, 8 in the left, that’s a lot.

I don’t know as I have never had them before???

So anyway, I meet with this guy. Of course, the first thing he tells me is quit smoking. Nothing like stating the obvious.  I am totally oblivious to the dangers of smoking.  (not).

Then he tells me, IF it is cancer, it has most likely metasticized from somewhere else.  When was my last mammogram?  Well, like three years ago.  And my last pap smear?  More like 5 years ago.

So he wants me to have both, ASAP.

Nursey daughter agrees.  Well.

Then he says, I really don’t think it is cancer, and I don’t think it is TB either, you don’t have any symptoms for either.  I have a regular smokers cough, don’t cough up a whole lot of anything.  I have a constant sinus infection as well.

So then we schedule a Brochonscopy, with biopsy.  Dr. is very nice, after I explain that we have custody of two of our grandchildren and I have to put them on the bus at 8:30 am and get them off the bus at 3:45 pm he says he can work it so I can do both and be home in time.  Good then. Wonderful.

I get home and realize that Pint and ½ Pint BOTH test (as well as ¾ Pint) for new belts in karate that day at 4 PM.  And, ½ Pint and ¾ Pint are both going for …..

1^st Degree Black Belt recommended.

Great.  So I go in the morning next Friday to get a lung biopsy, and then go to karate for testing.  Won’t THAT be fun?

My house is dirty, needs cleaned and ½ Pint is out of clothes and I need to do her laundry. 

You know, that isn’t so much. But today, it feels like a mountain!

So then, Nursey calls me after Dr appt.  And during the conversation, she says, well you are going to quit smoking arent’ you.

Wasn’t fair of me, but I yelled at her “Of course, I am going to quit smoking but I swear the next F’ing person who asks me that I am going to STAB!” and promptly hung up on her.

My personality is a stupid one.   If you want me to do something, ask me ONE time and the shut the heck up about it.  Do NOT harass me over it or I won’t do it at all.  No one seems to get that.  Okay, I know it’s stupid.  But like the smoking thing.

When I decide to quit, which I did at first when all this crap came down 4 months ago, I just did it.  After 39 years.  Put them down and stopped.   Lasted three days.  Didn’t tell anyone.  It took them a few days to notice.  I liked that.  Don’t ask me why I liked that.  It’s because I am a control freak.  I don’t want anyone telling me what to do.  I have to decide I want to do it, then I don’t want anyone looking over my shoulder.

I am sure a shrink could have lots of fun with that.

I don’t know what it is in me.  I mean, I know I am a control freak.  I left home at age 13 and never went back.  I worked illegally (cause I was underage) and supported myself.  I made it. On my own. With no help.

If I didn’t control things, then someone else would have, and I didn’t feel comfortable with letting someone else in charge of me.

After so long, it becomes habit I guess.  I don’t like stupid people.  And I really don’t like whiny people.  I have several of the above as children.  I am not sure WHY they turned out that way, I am sure it is my fault somehow.  Junkie daughter is both.  Son is stubbornly stupid, but very intelligent.  He just has my stubborn streak, but unlike me, hasn’t learned to say “whoops! That was REALLY Stupid, sorry I did it…”  No, he holds on to the wrong point of view or whatever long past where it makes sense LOL.

It doesn’t bother me to be wrong.  My family makes fun of me for it.  They think it is hilarious when I do something or say something that is wrong.  They talk about it for literally YEARS.  It’s not really funny and it hurts my feelings a lot, but I let it go.

The thing is, I could make fun of the things they do, and there are MANY. But I don’t.

Gosh, what a rant!!

Sorry guys.

So today, I will stay at home and clean and do laundry.  Baby is here and said she would help. That is sweet.

Oh. My. Gosh!!

So last night, it hurt a lot.  There we were, sitting at the table. Baby is working on notes for college for her boyfriend.  I happen to glance over, her beautiful head is down over the paper, her hair artfully and naturally curling over her forehead, pulled up in a skewed pony tail that looks absolutely adorable…and she is writing away busily.

I happened to see her right arm and hand.  Holding the pen. Writing.

And.

It was the arm and hand of a grown woman.

It was not Baby’s arm and hand.  Baby’s arm and hand have little rolls of baby fat around the wrist.  Little chunky elbows.  Cute little rounded forearms.

Not this whipcord, manicured, tight and tanned arm of a woman whom I do not know!!

Where did my Baby go?  Where did the years go?

And how did a grown woman slip into her tiny little body and stretch it out into a grown up?