I hate waking up with a headache. I have been doing just that for about 8 weeks now.  Just when I think it is safe to, I don’t know, whatever, the headache and the constant anxiety attacks come back with a vengeance.

Anxiety attacks suck.  In the greater scheme of things, they are small I guess, but in my life, they are L   A   R    G    E.

I have been on medication for about 9 years now for them.  I don’t take the medication everyday, or even with regularity.  I only take it when I have an anxiety attack, or feel one coming on.  So, even though the medication is addictive, I am not addicted to it.  I worried quite a bit about that when it was first prescribed.

My physician tells me that since I can go as long as six weeks without needing any, then I cannot possibly be addicted to it.  He says after 9 years of taking the same medication, I would definitely know if I was addicted.  I guess that makes me a bit more comfortable, but not much really.

See, I don’t like the fact that my body is rebelling against my extended stress.  I don’t like talking about it either.  I am one of those who would view my talking about it as “weak”.  What a crap of bullshit that is.

And, why am I so freakin hard on myself anyway?

In my next life, I want to come back as a large breasted blonde, size 5 please.

I want to throw my hands up in the air and go..

“OH. MY. GOD!.  I cannot POSSIBLY deal with this!!” and then put it right out of my head and let someone else deal with it.

But no. That is not my way.  I need to be the freaking control freak….

Any situation that comes up, my brain kicks into, I don’t even know what to call it.  Not survival mode.  More like problem solving mode.  And this happens in like, a nanosecond.

My brain will look at the situation, figure out all the possibilities inherent in the situation, figure out a reaction to each of the possibilities and then extend that a bit to see what the action/reaction will be.

Then, having solved all the possible futures, I move on to the next issue.  Putting the old one out of my mind, or at least in the deep recesses of my mind, knowing that I need not devote any more energy or time to the issue until it either changes or happens.

I hate me.

It’s not really micromanaging.  It’s more like, um….having to have all my ducks in a row?

To me, even being a Catholic, LIMBO is hell.  I hope and pray I don’t end up in Purgatory.  I absolutely cannot stand inaction or waffling on any issue.

Nope. For me, it’s TAKE A STAND and the Shut the **** up.  Argue it with someone if I feel the need, which is not very often.  State my case, so to speak.

But the stupid brain I ended up with which is not stupid, only irritating to me, makes these quantum leaps and comes to a conclusion in literally a split second.

No freakin wonder I have a headache constantly.

I woke up in the middle of the night with an anxiety attack.  They are really scarey.  Imagine, a Charlie horse, the kind you get in the middle of the night in your calves. The kind that wakes you up out of a dead sleep, and you jump out of bed with an agonizing AHHHHHHHH! At the top of your lungs waking everyone in the house.

Now, imagine that happening right square in the middle of your chest.  And, yes, you think you are dying from a heart attack.  Having made numerous trips to the emergency room, having had two heart catheterizations, having had numerous tests, I know academically that it is NOT in fact a heart attack, and that my heart is fine.

Still, it feels just like a heart attack is imagined (in my sick mind) to feel, and I get scared every time.

And why do they call them anxiety attacks?  I don’t have one in response to any situational anxiety that we all have.  I can have the MOST stressful day and be fine. Four days later, when I am doing quite literally nothing, having a wonderful day, WHAMMO !

So, pop a pill and go on.  Easy answer. But, I still hate them. I hate having them. I hate being scared by them. 

I know I am under lots of stress right now.  My entire body is itching madly.  I do that when I stress.  It’s not like hives exactly.  More like hives under the skin. Even the back of my eyeballs and under my toenails itch. That can drive you RIGHT UP THE WALL in about 1.5 seconds. Trust me.

You cannot, no matter how you try, scratch the back of your eyeballs or under your toenails.

I have this hairbrush thingy.  It originally had two pieces to it.  It was designed to flatten hair.  Each portion is like a regular hairbrush, but the bristles are only like ½ inch long.  I pulled that sucker apart the day I bought it for the girls hair and thought…

Hey…..that baby will make an AWESOME scratcher !!

And it does ***grin***

It is not very far from me right now.

I thought, oh. Well.  It’s winterish out there.  It’s dry skin, not nerves.

So, I slathered my body in pure lanolin.  Sticky, but quite effective.  You can buy pure sterilized lanolin at any pharmacy, but they usually have to order it.  It’s like $3.00 for a tube which will last about 3 months.

Nasty chapped, peeling heels?  Put a bead around your heel, wait for it to melt, rub it in and presto! Nasty heels cured.

Eczema?  Psoriasis?  Works on both of them as well.  I know this cause the kids have both.  We have tried all sorts of stuff, prescription as well as over the counter.  Pure lanolin works every time and the others don’t.

But, it’s nasty stuff.  It’s like glue when it comes out.  It smells a bit, well, it DOES come from sheep.  You have to apply it and then wait for it to melt.  But when a part of your body is dry, like hands, chapped, etc., and you use it, after it melts, after you rub it in and after it is absorbed, your hands will stay baby soft for about three days.  Even after washing.

There, little tidbit of info for everyone. What a stupid blog this is….LOL. Sorry.