Well. What a Weekend!
Sometimes, I get, to use a very archaic phrase…”hois ted by my own petard!”
This past two weeks or so have been like that. I have, to put it mildly, a total and complete WRECK.
And, it’s really just my own fault. Last night, after a letter from the only brother I claim, and a conversation with Nursey daughter, a few things came together.
My younger brother (born exactly one year, one month, one day and one hour after me – how about that for the numerologists out there…) wrote me an emal in response to one I had sent him.
Okay, I was whining. Or Divine intervention. See, I am not close with my family. As in, I haven’t talked with my oldest brother since my mother died in 1986. As in, I haven’t talked to my youngest brother since he showed up, unwanted and uninvited to Junkie daughter’s high school graduation over 10 years ago (when he taught two of my children, unbeknownst to me, to shoplift), and I just recently, as in two or three years ago, reestablished contact with the other middle child, whom, for the purpose of this blog shall be known as Mr. Laid Back.
Why I was prompted to email him, is beyond me. I missed his birthday. The last letter I wrote him was um….awhile ago.
I whined a bit. I was a wreck. A nervous wreck. As in 7 or more ANXIETY attacks a day (capitals intended), hives over my entire body, bitchy, waspish,
I couldn’t even stand myself!!
He wrote back…..”I've been thinking about what to write to you about and all i can come up with is this (don't take this wrong it is out of love) you have always jumped into everybodys problems. it is in your personality. if you were in my shoes you would be bored to death. in the end you have people who will always remember you for your caring ,even if they don't know it yet. you could just treat them with the same energy that mom cared for our kids, although we never expected her to because we knew she was not up to it….”
Wow.
Now, Mom didn’t really want kids. She did okay with all of us. But she did NOT devote her entire being to us. Trust me. She wasn’t a bad person, or even a bad mother.
And, the few, and I do mean FEW years we spent together, (I left home at age 13, went back for a very brief time at age 17…) my little brother has my number so to speak.
I didn’t realize he paid that much attention LOL. We were usually too stoned. He has always surprised me, and I am glad that he still is….
Anyway, after reflecting upon his message of love and understanding (read between the lines), I realized that a few things had happened.
- I have been listening to the girl’s counselor.
That doesn’t HAVE to be a bad thing necessarily, BUT.
See, I have never trusted medical professionals totally. Not that I don’t believe in all they study and learn. I do. Completely. But, I think that most of them see us as a ‘case’.
The counselor is a delightful woman. She is smart, funny, and usually right on the money. Just what you want in a counselor for two little kids who have some issues from what they have gone through.
I was, to put it mildly, obsessing about what she has told me at the last four visits.
And, I lost track. I got lost inside the diagnoses’. And forgot that we are talking about my babies.
I allowed the diagnosis to take over.
I will never do that again.
And, I tend to internalize EVERYTHING. I am one of those who figure, if nothing can be done about it, don’t whine about it, just go on with life. Really, a good philosophy to go with. Except, when there are things that you shouldn’t internalize.
No wonder my body was rebelling. Stupid Dawn Brain !! Smart Dawn Body. Too bad my brain was so not listening to my body…..
And, it’s not as though the diagnoses were bad or anything. ¼ Pint is now getting a bellyache when she goes to visit her Mom. Which I didn’t understand. And, I am not a stupid person. I was like “but you are so excited to go see Mommy!” and she was. But she still got a stomachache.
Psych woman called it “Somatic behavior”. Okey Dokey!
Pint is now totally obsessive about B U G S. and, I do mean TOTALLY. To where I have to go look in the bathroom to make sure no spiders have moved in since her last visit of maybe 5 minutes ago.
So Psych woman called that a “mild Psychosis”.
And then, Junkie daughter is having lots of problems. And is unknowingly playing head games with the girls. Well, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt here that it is in fact, unknowingly.
So Psych woman recommends that I cut the visitation to only supervised, like a visit once a week at Burger King or something like that.
This has been tearing me apart.
I haven’t as yet done anything about it.
And, now, I won’t.
Life itself is taking care of it for me.
And, I will let it.
My husband who thinks he is worthless has taught me much through the years. He is SO not worthless. He is great!
I tend to run right in to any situation, balls to the wall, ready for blood. My husband, the fighter, tends to sit back and let a situation develop fully before he makes any decision.
For a long time, I saw this as waffling behavior. Inability to make decisions.
And, some of it is. He doesn’t like confrontations. He likes to fight, he was a good soldier, he can wade in and kick ass with the best of them.
But, he does NOT like confrontations. How weird is that?
Me, on the other hand, can hold my own in any debate. I do not shy away from verbal confrontation. Nor, really, do I seek it out, but if the situation presents, I do not back down or try to make nice.
He has taught me that it is NOT necessary to turn every incident into a ‘situation’.
And, my brother was right. I do rush in where angels fear to tread. I am a fool.
And, I can give as much as I am able, and it will be enough in the long run.
So, today, I feel energized. Okay, only slightly, let’s be real here LOL.
The girls rooms are a DISASTER. When ¾ Pint is here for the weekend, her and ½ Pint PLAY. And they also destroy the rooms. Every single toy gets brought out of the closets. The laundry from last week is still not done.
But, the itching is subsiding and I ALMOST slept through the entire night. Only woke up once, at 6 am. Oh. Wait. That IS sleeping through the entire night. I did go back to bed and snoozed along with the snooze button on the alarm.
Happy Monday. Happy Veteran’s day to all Vet’s of which both Hubby and I are.
