Yesterday was shopping day. Dh and I happily motored the ½ hour drive into town, went to the bank, got money out and headed to good old Wally World.

$297.00 later, and we had yet to buy food….

In the car, he thought I was mad at him. I had gotten up to the check out and was a bit surprised at the total. A few things had made it into the buggy which were not on my list and had driven up the price. Nothing at all extravagant. One very large Jurassic Dog Bone for Monster, $9.99. Two movies @ $19.99, one at $7.50, one bottle of English Leather After Shave (still my fav) at $8.48, and a pair of slippers for me because I haven’t yet unpacked that box apparently….

$8.98. I had expected the total to be about $190 or so…so was a bit put off at the $100 difference.

I was a bit quiet in the car. We pulled into Wendy’s (they don’t call the only hamburg I like the Wendy’s Big Classic anymore, very confusing for me to order now) and got lunch, pulled over and parked to eat it. I would rather eat in the car than in the restaurant.

I knew he thought I was mad at him. I wasn’t . At all.

So, I tried to explain it to him.

I said.

You know when you were at the top of your physical form at age 19? Right before you got hurt? You were a body builder, could run for 5 miles with a full battle pack on your back, do an infinite number of pushups, etc.?

He was like, yeah. I said and then you got hurt. And were in a coma for three months. When you woke up, you weighed about 120# and had no muscle tone at all, and were missing a few parts of your body inside, and a few outside as well?

And all of a sudden, you were a cripple. At age 19. Do you remember how you felt?

Quietly, he said, Yes.

I said. My entire life, I was extremely intelligent, way past gifted. I used to simultaneously do up to and sometimes more than seven things. My mind was truly an awesome thing. I don’t say this to be bragging, believe me readers. It is more of a confession.

Problem solving was for me, easy. Off the cuff and all that. Everyone came to me with legal problems, social problems, etc. I tutored. I mentored. I helped out wherever and whenever I could. I considered my mind a gift from God, and tried to use it to help others. I believe I did so. I could see through to the root of an issue in a nanosecond, when it seemed obvious to me, other’s just did not see the solution or resolution. I could sit at a computer and run a new software program, totally cold, never seen it before in less than two minutes on average.

I could learn a new language in less than a week. I could arrive at a check out after shopping for more than an hour and know how much I spent within a few dollars, including sales tax.

I could handle the phone, fights, dinner, cleaning, conversation with DH, getting ready for a softball game or soccer game or dance recital, plan a formal wedding and not forget any details. I could also, and often did, read a book throughout all of this.

I grew up with a mind that could process information on at least six different levels at the same time. Falling asleep was rather hard at first, my mind would not shut down. I trained my mind to shut down as a child. Probably before age 8, which is as far back as I can reliably remember.

Then, about 9 years ago, the extreme stress started. When I say extreme. I do mean extreme. Without going into details, well, trust me.

At one time, actually, at several times, we had living in our home, oldest daughter, pregnant, not married, age um…22, her best friend, pregnant, age 28, junkie daughter with a 1 year old, and using heroin which we at the time did not know, her husband, their best friend, and a high school son and a middle school daughter. Then shortly thereafter we added two newborns (one ¾ Pint at 9# plus and Tyler at 4# 4oz and very fragile) into the mix, and then another pregnancy when junkie daughter got pregnant with ½ Pint. Then the husband got arrested at our home for dealing out of our home….DH fell down the basement stairs and broke his GOOD leg in six places which necessitated surgery (5) and then got a staff infection of the bone which necessitated IV long term super antibiotics and being bedridden for six months, ..

During this time we found out she was using, and so was he, another baby was born, and I worked full time.

And that is just a small part of what I went through. This kind of crap went ON AND ON for um….well, it hasn’t really stopped. It has slowed down. But not stopped.

I sort of had a nervous breakdown. Not the kind where everyone knows. Only the kind where I could tell. Things got a bit harder to handle. I didn’t smile quite as often. Laughing became an effort.

I was checked for depression, and wasn’t. They gave me medication for stress, fortunately, in a very small town, Doctors know your whole family and what is going on. They understood.

The stress didn’t stop.

Now. I can work on one thing at a time. If you interrupt me, I lose my train of thought, and often don’t get it back. If there are too many people in the room, I get agitated and nervous. Snappy.

I always sort of knew there would eventually be a ‘crash and burn’. There was. I am living it now.

The part that is hard is that I now function on the level of a normal person. Really, nothing wrong with that at all.

Except, I remember. And, so does my family. They got used to the way I could do anything, figure anything out, be supermom, etc.

And, they still sort of expect it.

I haven’t even explained it very well here at all.

But, I told him, it’s for me, like when you got hurt and then were crippled. You really missed your perfect body. It was damaged.

I really miss my perfect mind. It’s as though I suffered a brain injury that deactivated ¾ of my brain, but left the part that knows what I used to have??? And I know. Believe me I know. It’s sort of like driving down the highway in fifth gear, only to have someone put you right down into first, but you still have to go 65 mph, and you cannot upshift into fifth. No, fifth gear is irrevocably gone, and you just have to figure out how to drive in first gear only from now on. You slow down, but all the other cars ride your ass and honk at you and flip you off. Sort of like that now. Even with my Hazard lights on to tell all the others, hey, something’s wrong here, I cannot go that fast. Nope. Doesn’t work.

Most of the time, I get frustrated at my lack. I try not to show it, but I feel it. I kind of understand a very small part of what Cutter is going through. He see’s his brain and body leaving him in little MS pieces, and there is nothing he can do. Yet, he remembers when it was whole and functioning well.

I don’t have Alzheimers. I don’t have MS. I have not had a stroke. It is just the cumulative effect of too much on one person. But, when they say stress kills, it’s true. My blood pressure went from a normal (my whole life) of 75/40 or so, extremely low and stable, to overnight 275/195. Whoa NELLY !! 

 

It is sort of a funny bit, the day they found out my blood pressure had skyrocketed.  The doctor told me, GO HOME.  do NOT have sex. do NOT be around any stress. Do NOT let your children near you !! Come to the hospital first thing in the morning.  If you feel any pain, go straight to the ER!!  I said, where should I go? Cause I cannot go home...

I have now had two cardiac catheterizations for heart problems I do not have. Three stress tests. One hospitalization for a heart attack that was not a heart attack. I do not like doctors and do NOT seek out treatment. I avoid it like the plague. For me to be taken to the Emergency Room I have to believe I am dying. Trust me on this LOL.

And, I tried to explain this to him. That I don’t hate him. That the jokes he used to tell me all the time, are still funny, I just cannot listen to them unless I am doing NOTHING at all. That he cannot talk to me while I am on the computer, or reading anymore.

He misses me almost as much as I do.

And the phrase, “out of all the things I’ve lost in life, I miss my mind the most”, isn’t funny to me at all.

A phone call can now put me right over the edge. More than one issue can put me right into a full blown panic attack.