Shit.

 

You know how in life, there are things you are forced to do, but so do not want to do?

 

This, is one of those times.

 

Three weeks ago, counselor lady told Pint in a session, "you are never going back to live with your Mom. you need to realize that and move on."

 

Bring on the behavior issues.  bring on the bad grades.  bring on the total baby meltdowns.

 

Bring on one FUCKING hard week or two.

 

So yesterday, after having her pull another all nighter, and me being in a fairly exhaustive state, I call counselor lady.  "What is going on", so, I tell her.

 

After we talk for about 1/2 hour, we come to the conclusion that we need to open pandora's box.

 

I have to sit her down (on our bed, with door closed, arms wrapped around my baby girl) that I am NOT the bad guy.  That she is really angry at the situation, and at her Mom for not being what she should be.  That we can deal with the anger she has, but that she needs to redirect it away from me, because I didn't cause this situation.

 

oh. yeah. right.  i'll just whip freud outta my ass. gimme a second LOL.

 

then, Pint has a counseling appt on Friday.  I do understand the counselor, as well as understand the necessity for the conversation.

 

Counselor lady says that on an intellectual level, Pint is about 17 years old.  Physically, she is 8. Emotionally, she is about 3.

 

Put all that together, and you have a serious meltdown child.  I am willing to do this, but not looking forward to it. Counselor lady says we have to start just stating the truth, in a non judgmental manner, to Pint. She is old enough to handle the truth, and it will take her out of limbo, which is where she is apparently stuck.

 

I can see alot of this.  There has definitely been some issues since counselor lady told her 3 weeks ago.  I can see that the reactions Pint is having is unresolved anger, and I can see that she is directing her anger toward me, because I am safe.  I can see that we need to help her explore her feelings, and get ahold of her feelings.  I can see that if she continues to direct her anger toward me, there will be MAJOR problems, and they won't be very far in the future.

 

But, telling her that it is not my fault, without BLAMING her mother, that part is gonna be really tricky!!  I don't want to make her mother out to be the bad guy to Pint.  Even if she is, that is not healthy.  I have to explain to her that (okay, this is gonna be a     s   t   r   e   t   c  h   ) I love her mother very much, and wanted her to be something else too.  I have to explain that sometimes, people we love ARE NOT what we wanted them to be, and that's okay.  As long as they are healthy and happy and working towards goals, that we can accept the person they are with love. I have to do this because Pint needs reassurance that I will love her always.  Which I will.  But like counselor lady said...

 

If Pint knows you quit loving her mother, then she will expect you to quit loving HER if she screws up.  So, you have to realize that you don't in fact, hate your daughter, you do however, hate what she became and what she did.  Why do I have to fix ME to fix pint?? So be it. growth hurts.

 

Oh. yeah.  Hit me where it freakin hurts why don't ya???

 

So, I went in the closet and dug out the box of cd's with all my music collection.  sat in the overstuffed chair and listened to bob dylan, joni mitchell, joan baez....and I would've put janis ian on if i had any, which I don't.  And, I cried for a bit.

 

 

Counselor wants to get her to the point where she can accept that her mother will never be the way mother's are supposed to be, and just love the person her mother has turned into.  I think in the long run, that is healthy. While I may wish my daughter would get on a bus or run over by the bus, but that is MY problem, not Pint's. She loves her mother.  But, she is also wanting something that is never gonna happen.  Counselor said outright, that if the kids ever returned to their mother, she would call CPS immediately to have them removed.  Not that I was gonna let them go back, but that is pretty clear.  So we have to make Pint okay with the fact that she is going to be raised by her grandparents for the rest of her life.

 

Yucky day. I am not looking forward to this, but it must be done.