Calamity.

And how.

Man is that an appropriate nickname for my second born child.

Having been forced (by me) into a methadone treatment program when she was four months pregnant with ¼ Pint (after I walked in and found her shooting up pregnant with my unborn granddaughter), who just turned One in Feb, then getting an apartment with Drunk (BF) who has a long history of binge alcoholism, then having the baby, who was in NICU for 3 weeks due to withdrawals, then their van that I GAVE them broke down and we paid to have it fixed...

Then they were getting evicted from apt. every other month, then he got arrested, and arrested again, and arrested once again, and finally sentenced to house arrest....to be served in his mother and stepfather's home in nearby state.....

Then she actually DOES get evicted.....and gets a new place (nice trailer) in a shitty part of town about 20 minutes away from where we live, gets a new job (working for her new landlord who also owns an assisted living center), doing nurse's aide care at an assisted living home for the elderly..works three 12 hours night shifts on Frid, Sat, Sun nights...has the rest of the week off.

After van finally blew up, they went to JB Byrider (chain of automotive used car dealers that charge twice what a car is worth, and finance it at a ridiculous rate of like 20% interest – BUT anyone can get a loan just about), and buy a Pontiac something or other.

So, she has car, which almost gets repossessed about every third week because if you don't make payment, they send out repo order immediately....

She has trailer....

She has job.

She still has methadone. Goes to clinic (104 mile round trip journey each and every single day) and welfare REIMBURSES her at $.34 a mile.....which is like almost $1200 a month !!

And, yet, I have this feeling in my gut that she is back on heroin.

Now there are a few things that I wonder about. IF you are in a methadone treatment, HOW do they tell if you are using? Methadone and heroin both break down chemically into the same substance in your body. So what good is a pee test?

If you use on methadone, then there wouldn't be any withdrawal drama on your body would there? Because any withdrawals you might have would be compensated for by the methadone?

If you are working, and taking home about 160 a week, and getting almost 1200 a month in travel expenses, and only pay 50 a month for rent, and your utilities, and you get 100 a month in food stamps..and you get WIC for the baby's formula.....

Why are you always broke?

And why are you still falling asleep in the midst of conversations.

Why, when you come over to visit your children at my house are they constantly saying..”Mommy, stay awake when you talk to me !”

Then, two days ago, she calls to say she wrecked her car.

She is driving home from clinic, fortunately on a day when the baby is with the dad/s mother, after working all night, and falls asleep in her driveway after she gets home.

She sleeps for an undetermined amount of time, then wakes up in a panic, thinking she is supposed to BE somewhere..and starts driving.

Gets to the end of her road, and realizes she is supposed to be HOME sleeping. Goes to turn around, and hits a parked car.

Cops come. No problem. Report is given. Exchange insurance cards. She goes home to sleep.

Problem. Insurance lapsed two days previously.

Problem. No money to pay insurance. No money to pay car payment.

Then, her water gets turned off. Supposedly, landlord is including utilities in with rent. Water doesn't get paid??? They shut it off.

She calls yesterday, talks to DH whilst I am at karate with Pint and ½ Pint. Asks to come take a shower. Has no car, and no money for gas.


Sorry cupcake. I don't have the gas to come get you.

Says her electric is due to be shut off as well. For the same issues, that landlord had it in landlords name and didn't pay it.


::shaking my head:::

Says she hasn't gotten a travel payment since november. That they owe her like $3,000.

Says she is trying really hard, that she is not using.

 

See thats the thing with an educated junkie. They can lie very convincingly. VERY. They can make every single thing that results from their usage and mismanagement of their lives, sound totally and completely plausible.  Makes it really, really difficult for those who love them as well. That is exactly how we got wrapped up into allowing them to get away with all that crap when they first started.  The lies are so very believable, that if you don't have EXPERIENCE with a junkie, you would NEVER realize they are lying through their teeth.  So we paid rent for them, bought them cars, bought diapers, formula...clothes....paid utilities....totally supported them because, unbeknownst to us, all their money was going up their arms.

 

And, we didn't want Pint, who at that time was just born, to suffer from what SEEMED to be a strain of really bad luck by two 20 year olds who APPEARED to be trying really hard to make a go of it against odds that seemed stacked against them.

Back to the present, has been wearing long sleeved shirts. It IS winter here.

 

Has lumps on her arm, allegedly from a cat scratch from a semi wild cat that adopted her trailer. Both her arms swelled to alarming proportions. Swelling finally went down. Says she went to hospital and had it checked (we told her to go immediately, took her two and a half weeks to allegedly do it) and they have no clue what it is, but they did an ultrasound.  Says she is to return if no improvement.  They give her no meds. Sounds a bit fishy to me. But, I suppose, possible.

Took the shirt off to show Dad last time she was here. Shows him several lumps she has on her arms.

They look like track marks to me.

He says no. But he always says no.

double sigh.

¼ Pint HAS appeared to be fine every single time I see her. Calamity was always a good mother, just couldn't function when on heroin, a common problem with addicts. Heroin sends you into a zone in which you are totally apathetic to what is going on around you.

And, you cannot take care of children. You keep falling asleep. Dangerous. Very.

F U C K

Is this just a run of incredibly bad luck?

Or has my baby daughter who is almost 30 now, slipped back into shooting up heroin again. This would make failure number 9 or 10, I have lost count.

Do I take this baby away also? Do I hold off and let CPS do it? I cannot afford the attorney's fees this time around. We have no money left for things such as that.

Will she kill herself when she loses this child?


I think I absolutely hate today. And I have one cigarette left. I am committed to quitting however.

But I feel rather like the guy in the movie Airplane.

I picked the wrong day to give up sniffing glue, LOL.

Nonetheless, I shall persevere.

Be well my friends. Hug your children.